Cynical, Ironical

I find that I may be withholding decisions – for a single person. Perhaps he is the last one unsettled business that I needed to complete. A year and a half ago I set out to try to change a life. That is just me, always picking up lost souls and strays in hopes of making a difference that I myself could not bring to my own self. Not that my past endeavours were anywhere near successful and I find myself questioning if it is even within my right to play moral guardian.

Nevertheless, I tried not to be a warden, rather just a guide. I grew to like this ’stray’, perhaps a little too much. For some time I toyed with the idea, but I did not think I was what he needed. I began to have doubts – maybe I was doing it all wrong. In the end, I chose to abandon my little crusade, and hoping for the best, that perhaps life could teach him what I couldn’t.

But in light of recent revelations, perhaps I was wrong to abandon what I originally set out to do. He had gone down the path that I feared and foresaw he would take. But life has always been about personal choices, is it not? I showed him the choices but he chose his path, so why do I feel like I have betrayed him?
There are differences to work out which I have yet to overcome. Things which have I picked up along the way to keep me going which I am still reluctant to sacrifice to sustain a second person in my life. The ghosts of previously failed loves return to haunt me periodically though I might say they are more of an annoyance than a source of fear. I think I have become so jaded that the fear of falling out again seem trivial. However I have not found the generosity in me to forgive exes and former lovers. It feels remarkable to me sometimes how one can love and hate someone at the same time. Perhaps those two are the one and the same after all. Love is hate, hate is love. Without one, there is no other.

Some things never change even if you do.