Don’t want to bother me anymore!!

Yeah…rules set meant to be broken! commitments made to be broken..same goes to the promises that u made to me!

If you can’t deliver it, please do not promise me for god sake! It hurts me when i get to know the truth , the reality always be cruel. End of the day, end up so unbearable!! Don’t ever come back stir up my feeling, don’t toying with me, i’m not your pet!

Yeah, people do change, thing change, from time to time. It’s so unpredictable in life! yet so fragile! Concerning the quarrel, sulk, rupture, argument,mixed crumb feeling are killing me softly, eaten my soul slowly day by day by thinking of you, mind and care of what you’ve done and said to me! I’ll have a rather pessimistic outlook on things, with a risk of losing my sleep or appetite. Yeah, i tend to stir up trouble simply out of boredom, which can end up being more hurtful than i intended. Now i’ve deal with the consequences on my own! I shouldn’t treat you SB Nice at the first place!

Sometimes i really do hate myself being care for you that much! more than i suppose to.

I just feel that being ‘used’, i’m not a booty call nor door mat! My forehead doesn’t stated, ‘find me scold me whenever you are unhappy!’ I feel belittle! i feel that i been betrayed! When you don’t need me you push me away, when you need me you will know dial my number!

When you utter the 3 magic words to me, i took a long paused to digest what does it mean ?? brotherly love? more than a friend kind of love? i doubt it! I just took it as a joke, please bear with me, pardon me of what i’ve put out my statement to you which hurt you indirectly whereby i don’t want to get hurt either and i kind of self-doubt that do i deserve you? I’m not rejected you in the way but i don’t have such confidence that can be with you always. But why you turn up such a cruel matter to me? Do i deserve such a treatment from you? come on! if you love one, you won’t go hurt him/her! In fact, the hatred part is the closet person who tell you off. You told me:” i won’t bothering you anymore!” My 2 yrs relationship seems doesn’t worth any penny, even though we went through thick and thin together, relationship is not easy, involved lots of tear, sweat, blood together.

YES, who am i? i am a nobody of nobodies.

You told me gonna to play bowling with me, not even once! you even went for uncountable times without telling me till i found out myself. You mentioned nothing to hide from me, but why you would like to hide such a penny stuff? You not even bother to reply my sms and return my call anymore. Yeah, i am no longer priority in your list! Oh! Silly me, what a pity! I just found it out bit too late! You told me wont allow others to mess up your room, but now you are inviting gals to stay over night! well, i guess i shall mind my own business from now on! I will let go for all, once for all! Needless to tell you how i feel right now! you won’t even bother to listen to me and bother how i feel!? I will stay a distance from now on, keep no stock in whatever you say and whatever you do! since you no longer need me, fine then, i shall terminate the contact , i take the 1st step to move on my life.

Hate me for what i am, love me for what i am not!

so be it!?

This kind of shitty feeling has been bothering day and night, as it will kill me softly.

I just can’t take it anymore as i need to vent all out for all to someone.

As tonight as usual, my night owl buddy, BL is online, i just shared my thoughts with him and my problems that dwelling in my mind for so long , seems tie a big knot there.

After i chat with him, i feel so much better as his words do make lots of sense to me!

“as for friendship, why are you thinking so much about it? hmmm… maybe i don’t value friendship the same way you do, or you value it too much… hehe… “

“my value? hmmm… i mean i like having friends around…

but i wouldn’t cry if they choose not to be friends with me anymore… ppl come and go in life… no real big deal…if you are sociable, you’ll always be able to make new friends…and if you are more reclusive, erm… well, you don’t need too many friends anyway… hehehe”

“lol there’s not such thing as lose a friend that way… there are no good ways to lose a friend…lol, i live because i have other purposes in life other than just trying to make and keep friends… “

“friends are good to have around… but they can only be with you for maybe a couple of hours every weeks… and that’s if they are single etc… once they get into a relationship, the hours are bound to be lower…”

“yeah lar… so why get so worked up over the possibility of losing a friend… i mean you can try to work it out with him/her, but after i did what i perceive to be reasonable, it’s up to her/him to decide…”

“maybe you are being too sensitive… i don’t know what he/she said, but i don’t put too much stock in what other ppl say… “

“yeah lar… i mean if you can criticize or talk about other ppl, you’ll have to be big enough to receive criticisms etc… “

“when i mean you, i don’t mean you personally… i mean ppl in general. “

“knowing you well, means he/she has to always tell you things that you like to hear only?”

“well, in that case, you’ll have to analyse and see if what he/she said is truth…”

“and why does it upset you if all she/he is doing is tell you what he thinks?”

“well, if you are bold and straight, why would you be upset just because he said you are sarcastic?
it’s just a simple comment…”

“first of all, i don’t know what he said… secondly, i don’t know the tone when you talked to him… i mean you may sound like you are being sarcastic, for all i know…”

“lol well, are you sure you only feel for him as a friend? call me shallow or something but i have never met anyone getting upset over what a friend said etc… i mean he/she wouldn’t like what was said but nobody puts in this much time to analyse why he said this and that etc…”

“so? what if ppl say if you look like a couple? if you have no interest in him, it doesn’t matter…”

“but if you only feel that you shouldn’t be together with him cuz of the age difference, that’s just plain silly…”

“i mean if i were to find a girl younger than me, it doesn’t mean that i’m going to be happy with her…”

“the same goes with if i’m with a girl older than me, it doesn’t mean that i’m NOT going to be happy with her as well…”

“so why think about the age difference when perhaps, the more important thing you should think about if whether you like him more than just a friend…”

“it means he feels like you are treating him like a kid sometimes…”

“and that he wants you to treat him like a mature man… someone who is able to carry himself… and perhaps take care of you etc…”

“lol well, if you can’t get past the age thing, nobody can really help you… no matter what we tell you, the age difference isn’t going to be smaller… “

“so decide for yourself… find out wat you really want from him… and stick wit that decision…”

“lol forgive me for saying this but i always laugh when my friends tell me that they are haunted by their past relationships…”

“in that case, tell him once and for all, that you can only treat him as your bro and nothing more…”

“and if he can’t accept it, so be it…”

“so?let him keep quiet then…”

“i mean if he can’t accept that, there’s nothing you can do anyway…”

“yeah i know… you told me that before…”

“but why do you keep saying that ppl always comment that both of you are couples? i mean does that mean anything to you?”

“i mean like whenever i go out with a girl, or when a girl sits next to me, ppl ask us that… if it’s true, i’lll say yes… if it’s not, i’ll say no… but i wouldn’t keep thinking about what it means when ppl keep telling me that…”

“no… but from what you tell me, he seems interested… and you sound like you might be as well, if not for the age difference… but regardless, since you decide that you can only accept him as a bro, then stick with it…”

“huh? why does it matter if he pampers you or not?”

“fine… fair enough… well, for someone who only cares about him as a bro, you sure seem to care a lot about what he does or doesn’t do for you…”

“every one has to treat you the same way because of what you perceive them to be? “

“everyone is different mar…
lol i didn’t do anything… but regardless, i don’t think you should be stressed out over this…
okay mar… i have to go get some sleep now…
you take care k?
if you need any professional advice again, feel free to look me up… hehe
ahem ahem… hehe
tata… “

To feel butterflies in stomach

The feeling is good….to feel butterflies in stomach..it’s thrilled!

The feeling you have no word to descript it that how happy you gonna be and the feeling being loved by one.

The moment you gained your trust from one..

The moment one shares email access with you…

The moment one shares food with you…

The moment one carries everything for you and set you free to walk around happily..

The moment one shares facebook access with you..

The moment one greets you good morning and wish you good night and sleep tight every day…

The moment one utters ‘i miss you much’ to you..

The moment one give you a big hug…

The moment one shout at you that ‘ i do care!’..

The moment you know you can’t live without one in life…

The moment is too sweet to forget..

The moment you told me, what if you are not in my life, what i gonna to do? *i’m touch*

The moment you told me, you want me to be here!

The moment you told me that you love me…

Cynical, Ironical

I find that I may be withholding decisions – for a single person. Perhaps he is the last one unsettled business that I needed to complete. A year and a half ago I set out to try to change a life. That is just me, always picking up lost souls and strays in hopes of making a difference that I myself could not bring to my own self. Not that my past endeavours were anywhere near successful and I find myself questioning if it is even within my right to play moral guardian.

Nevertheless, I tried not to be a warden, rather just a guide. I grew to like this ’stray’, perhaps a little too much. For some time I toyed with the idea, but I did not think I was what he needed. I began to have doubts – maybe I was doing it all wrong. In the end, I chose to abandon my little crusade, and hoping for the best, that perhaps life could teach him what I couldn’t.

But in light of recent revelations, perhaps I was wrong to abandon what I originally set out to do. He had gone down the path that I feared and foresaw he would take. But life has always been about personal choices, is it not? I showed him the choices but he chose his path, so why do I feel like I have betrayed him?
There are differences to work out which I have yet to overcome. Things which have I picked up along the way to keep me going which I am still reluctant to sacrifice to sustain a second person in my life. The ghosts of previously failed loves return to haunt me periodically though I might say they are more of an annoyance than a source of fear. I think I have become so jaded that the fear of falling out again seem trivial. However I have not found the generosity in me to forgive exes and former lovers. It feels remarkable to me sometimes how one can love and hate someone at the same time. Perhaps those two are the one and the same after all. Love is hate, hate is love. Without one, there is no other.

Some things never change even if you do.

Gonna to miss you

i’m gonna to miss you so much…

when we knew nothing gonna to be happened between us, we rather let go..

since you know the more we see each other, the moment we apart is gonna to be painful..

you rather start to show me cold shoulder, ignore me, keep a distance from me.. hurts me bit, move your attention to another girl. She is so fond into you right now, and keep asking me about you which make me feel miserable.

i felt you tend take me for granted…i always as the last resort for you when you need me. But i always be here to offer my hand to you. I would never ask you anything in return.

As long as you are happy, then i will be pleased to see that.

3 months later you gonna to leave here for good and leave me for good.

I just can soak myself into sadness, not even dare to tell you that i am upset and missing you. Let everything dwelling inside my heart and my mind.

I bet you will totally forget about me very soon when you move to a new country , new company, new environment and make new friends.

Yeah, i am nobody to you, i aint important at all.

But again, i will cherish our sweet moments …

I do miss you a heap…

To let go

I’ve learn to let go… i really mean it…

I don’t see the point i could put more times and afford into a person and relationship which i don’t see the future and a person don’t really love me and appreciate me.

A person can shares the past with a stranger , but not me?! perhaps that’s the most comfortable thing to share secret to a stranger who would not spread your history to others that you know. I don’t really want to dig out my past and reveal my scars again to others, end of the day ball will come back to me and tarnish everything.

I think i should stop sms the person, stop thinking of the person, stop care about the person. End of the day, i won’t step too deep into the trap and kill myself.

Let go… let times come to cure me again…. don’t hold a person who doesnt love you..

A Distance

When u get to feel it?Once you sense it you will tend keep a distance from the person?

*shrug* i don’t know how to face it?

I shall keep a distance from him. Stop myself being nice to him, stop being too caring, too busybody body. Mind my own business.

when i shared my problem, he even teased me and told some hillarious ideas to overcome it. Hm…I’m nobody…what a pity of me?!

I guess keep a distance should make a difference. Try not to make myself suffocating yet step into too deep.

*chill*

Little care i do feel..

Little care i do feel it…INDEED..i really do feel it from you.. eventhough we remain silence, but deep down from my heart i knew it that you do care for me.

Whenever i ask you out for companionship to somewhere, you never say ‘NO’ to me. Always turn up on time.

Whenever i ask u for a favor, you hardly to say ‘NO’ to me.

Whenever you go buy newspaper in 7-11, you will grab a bottle of drink for me without asking me what i want to drink, so thoughtful right?

Always be patient there wait for me if i gonna be late for the appointment for dinner.

Will help me carry the basket or push the trolley while we were doing grocery shopping together.

Will save the last portion of food for me…Will pick the fish bone for me and put the flesh onto my plate without my acknowledge.

Will apology if reply sms bit late to me…

Will wish me good nite if i sent late sms at night…

Will direct me the direction where i don’t know how to get there…

Will bring me to try out yummy food at new places…

Will offer help to carry  my laptop if i bring my laptop out..

Will help me to do dishes , clean the cooking area after eating …

hmm…sounds like a god sent good person to me  huh? yeah..really grateful to have this kind of friend in my life.

A friend who descript me as : Thoughful, Outstanding, Friendly, Unique. So i am a T.O.F.U!! hahahaa….

Like? Fancy? Love?

What’s the difference of Like, Fancy & Love?

What’s Like??

Like can be used to express a feeling of attraction, weaker than love. In the case of a choice this is also called preference.

What’s Fancy?

Love or amorous attachment.

What’s Love?

An intense feeling of affection and care towards another person.

A deep or abiding liking for something

A profound and caring attraction towards someone.

Love is a basic dimension of human experience that is variously conveyed as a sense of tender affection, an intense attraction, the foundation of intimacy and good interpersonal chemistry, willing self-sacrifice on behalf of another, and as an ineffable sense of affinity or connection to nature, other living beings, or even that which is unseen. It manifests itself in feelings, emotion, behavior, thoughts, perception and attitude. It influences, underlies and defines major patterns in interpersonal relationships and self-identification.

Different people place varying degrees of importance on the kinds of love they receive.

In the many distinct classifications of love including romantic love; sexual desire; platonic love; religious love; familial love; true love; and the more casual application of the term to anything pleasurable, enjoyable, desirable, or preferred, including activities and favorite foods.

I’m kind of confused in love, like & fancy these 3 elements in relationship and life… sigh…

Shame on you, coward!

Shame on you! puke!!!

u such a super duber stupid coward! MarcusLai!!

all things u’ve done are so childish! i look down upon you! you are not worth for me to waste my times anymore.

Leave you for good…you just get back to your ex for good! i will not pity you… try your best to avoid me, ignore me.. I just being nice to you as a friend you not even appreciate me, fine…

U…is you…you don’t deserve my frenship and whatever from me.  I buy your dignity, your pride…you pretty the CHEAP!

okay, life move on….